Andrew is 2 weeks old today but this is the first time I have posted since he was born! The L&D was tough and he was in the nicu when he was first born but we are both home now and doing good.
Some days (and nights) are better than others but considering I am doing all this by myself I think I am doing pretty good. Of course right now my biggest challenge is him being awake so much at night but I know that it will get easier with time. Luckily I can nap during the day as long as I am on my maternity leave.
I have been taking him for a walk almost every day. He usually sleeps through it but it is really good for me to get out of the house and go outside. He makes me laugh too with some of the faces he makes. He's adorable.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Wanna fall in love
My roommate and I are watching tv and two of the characters are falling for each other and had their first kiss. Aww it was so sweet and it really makes me want to feel that with someone. My roommate is finding it funny how mushy I am being but it is so sweet!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Reasons why I hate Isaiah
I almost called Isaiah just now to tell him how pissed I am at hom but I thought it might be better to write it out instead:
1. Instead of being able to compramise on anything, if I don't agree with anything he says he tells me I am going to hear from his lawyer - finally leading me to have to hire a lawyer even though it is going to cost so much money.
2. I hate hate hate him today for me having to hire a lawyer. It makes me cry that this money can't go towards my child or be saved up for the future. I absolutly hate his selfishness that he doesn't realize how hard I want to come to agreements so that I don't have to give mine and the baby's money to a lawyer. I hate that I have to worry about how I am going to pay for day care, groceries, bills ect because I have to pay for the lawyer too and I was already stretching it. I hate him.
3. I hate him for telling me he hopes I have a miscarriage while he was beating me.
4. I hate his cockiness. I wish he would just realize that he is not nearly as great as he thinks he is.
5. I hate that he thinks he has a right to be around this child any time he wants after the things he has done and said and knowing that he has anger issues.
6. I hate that he lies about me to make himself look better.
7. I hate that he left me with issues. I hate that I assume the worst in every man, that at times I activly avoid men while I am in public out of fear.
8. I hate that he is still around - I wish he would either start being reasonable or disappear.
9. I hate how good he is at swaying people. I hate that there are people who can't see through his bullshit.
10. I hate him for only going to jail for 10 days instead of the 3 months they were trying to get him for. I hate that he then had to tell me how easy and relaxing jail was - "like a vacation" - while those 10 days were just like any other day for me - full of mixed emotions, pain, fear and frustration.
11. I hate how he can track down my information. I hate that I don't feel safe
12. I hate his hypocrasy that he tells me family is the most important thing to him.
13. I hate that he told me a couple weeks ago that we should be open and honest with each other. Why the hell does he think he has the right to ask me to be open with him? Hell no, I am not going to tell him anything unless I have to. I hate that he was completly unhonest and closed when we were married.
HOLY HELL I HATE HIM SO MUCH I can't believe what a selfish asshole he is. I can't believe that he professes to care so much about his child and that he wants to have a good job so that he can "help me and the baby" I sure as fuck don't need or want his help. I am definatly better off without him, and sorry but he costs me more than he helps. I don't feel like child support is going to cover the cost of a lawyer. So he is actually making me lose money instead of helping me. He wants a good job for him and his ego. I hope he disappears, I would be so excited if he stopped being a part of my life. I know children need their fathers, but Isaiah threatened to kill this child and Isaiah has such anger issues that I have intense fears that if he is ever even for a minute alone for the child that he would hurt it. I am so scared that my baby won't stop crying, or will knock something over...anything that any child does, but that Isaiah will lose his temper and abuse my child. I hate Isaiah. He is a lier and completly selfish. Just because his sperm helped make this baby doesn't mean that he automatically gets to be a daddy to the baby. Yes, I will let him see this baby within reason but I sure as hell don't want him alone with my baby, especially when my child is too young to talk and can't tell me what happened.
Writing this out just makes me more angry. I wish that he would suffer some pain from this or that he would understand even for 10 minutes the pain he has caused. I hate how stupid he is. I hate the toll he has put on this pregnancy. I don't think I could write enough today how much I hate him so I am going to stop...
1. Instead of being able to compramise on anything, if I don't agree with anything he says he tells me I am going to hear from his lawyer - finally leading me to have to hire a lawyer even though it is going to cost so much money.
2. I hate hate hate him today for me having to hire a lawyer. It makes me cry that this money can't go towards my child or be saved up for the future. I absolutly hate his selfishness that he doesn't realize how hard I want to come to agreements so that I don't have to give mine and the baby's money to a lawyer. I hate that I have to worry about how I am going to pay for day care, groceries, bills ect because I have to pay for the lawyer too and I was already stretching it. I hate him.
3. I hate him for telling me he hopes I have a miscarriage while he was beating me.
4. I hate his cockiness. I wish he would just realize that he is not nearly as great as he thinks he is.
5. I hate that he thinks he has a right to be around this child any time he wants after the things he has done and said and knowing that he has anger issues.
6. I hate that he lies about me to make himself look better.
7. I hate that he left me with issues. I hate that I assume the worst in every man, that at times I activly avoid men while I am in public out of fear.
8. I hate that he is still around - I wish he would either start being reasonable or disappear.
9. I hate how good he is at swaying people. I hate that there are people who can't see through his bullshit.
10. I hate him for only going to jail for 10 days instead of the 3 months they were trying to get him for. I hate that he then had to tell me how easy and relaxing jail was - "like a vacation" - while those 10 days were just like any other day for me - full of mixed emotions, pain, fear and frustration.
11. I hate how he can track down my information. I hate that I don't feel safe
12. I hate his hypocrasy that he tells me family is the most important thing to him.
13. I hate that he told me a couple weeks ago that we should be open and honest with each other. Why the hell does he think he has the right to ask me to be open with him? Hell no, I am not going to tell him anything unless I have to. I hate that he was completly unhonest and closed when we were married.
HOLY HELL I HATE HIM SO MUCH I can't believe what a selfish asshole he is. I can't believe that he professes to care so much about his child and that he wants to have a good job so that he can "help me and the baby" I sure as fuck don't need or want his help. I am definatly better off without him, and sorry but he costs me more than he helps. I don't feel like child support is going to cover the cost of a lawyer. So he is actually making me lose money instead of helping me. He wants a good job for him and his ego. I hope he disappears, I would be so excited if he stopped being a part of my life. I know children need their fathers, but Isaiah threatened to kill this child and Isaiah has such anger issues that I have intense fears that if he is ever even for a minute alone for the child that he would hurt it. I am so scared that my baby won't stop crying, or will knock something over...anything that any child does, but that Isaiah will lose his temper and abuse my child. I hate Isaiah. He is a lier and completly selfish. Just because his sperm helped make this baby doesn't mean that he automatically gets to be a daddy to the baby. Yes, I will let him see this baby within reason but I sure as hell don't want him alone with my baby, especially when my child is too young to talk and can't tell me what happened.
Writing this out just makes me more angry. I wish that he would suffer some pain from this or that he would understand even for 10 minutes the pain he has caused. I hate how stupid he is. I hate the toll he has put on this pregnancy. I don't think I could write enough today how much I hate him so I am going to stop...
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Deserve a good guy
I deserve a guy who is the whole package and I am willing to wait years for him.
But in the meantime I'll enjoy flirting until that right guy comes along. I don't want to settle.
The reason I say this is because I had been talking to a guy who seemed really sweet and who I enjoyed talking to but recently I can tell he is not putting in any effort. Right now he is in Colorado so we have been talking through text and on the phone, but the last couple days it seems like all his texts have been very short and I felt like I was the only one carrying any conversation, so yesterday I just decided not to text him back and he didn't text me back until this morning. He sent a sweet good morning text so I thought today would be different but it was the same thing so I didn't text him after a little while and haven't talked to him all day. I haven't really thought about it and even had a great conversation this afternoon with a guy I work with who I have always thought was great. I just don't want to put effort into anything if the guy isn't willing to put forth an effort also, and no matter how cool I think this guy is, I don't want to be foolish and I deserve someone who is excited to talk to me. Maybe there is a misunderstanding or he has been busy, I am not going to write him off completly just yet, but I am not going to be waiting on any texts from him either.
Weird thing is the last few days I have been feeling incredibly sexy. Reason that is weird is because I am 39 weeks pregnant. But I am going to go see a movie tomorrow with a friend and I am going to wear this dress that looks great on me (even pregnant!) and have a great time out. I'm on bedrest but it is not strict, I am just supposed to be sitting with my feet up most of the time so going to the movies will be fine.
I don't know what is causing this feeling but I am enjoying feeling flirty and sexy and hope that this feeling sticks around.
But in the meantime I'll enjoy flirting until that right guy comes along. I don't want to settle.
The reason I say this is because I had been talking to a guy who seemed really sweet and who I enjoyed talking to but recently I can tell he is not putting in any effort. Right now he is in Colorado so we have been talking through text and on the phone, but the last couple days it seems like all his texts have been very short and I felt like I was the only one carrying any conversation, so yesterday I just decided not to text him back and he didn't text me back until this morning. He sent a sweet good morning text so I thought today would be different but it was the same thing so I didn't text him after a little while and haven't talked to him all day. I haven't really thought about it and even had a great conversation this afternoon with a guy I work with who I have always thought was great. I just don't want to put effort into anything if the guy isn't willing to put forth an effort also, and no matter how cool I think this guy is, I don't want to be foolish and I deserve someone who is excited to talk to me. Maybe there is a misunderstanding or he has been busy, I am not going to write him off completly just yet, but I am not going to be waiting on any texts from him either.
Weird thing is the last few days I have been feeling incredibly sexy. Reason that is weird is because I am 39 weeks pregnant. But I am going to go see a movie tomorrow with a friend and I am going to wear this dress that looks great on me (even pregnant!) and have a great time out. I'm on bedrest but it is not strict, I am just supposed to be sitting with my feet up most of the time so going to the movies will be fine.
I don't know what is causing this feeling but I am enjoying feeling flirty and sexy and hope that this feeling sticks around.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
10 solitary pleasures
10 solitary pleasures:
1. a bath
2. a good book
3. a nap on the couch
4. watching a favorite movie
5. going for a walk
6. painting my nails
7. cooking
8. daydreaming about somewhere I want to go or someone I want to see
9. singing in the car
10. getting a coffee while running errands
1. a bath
2. a good book
3. a nap on the couch
4. watching a favorite movie
5. going for a walk
6. painting my nails
7. cooking
8. daydreaming about somewhere I want to go or someone I want to see
9. singing in the car
10. getting a coffee while running errands
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
What I want to say to him
Isaiah,
You say that your number one priority is family. I guess you show that priority by beating your wife and saying that you want your child to die. You know what your number 1 priority is? Yourself. You are such a cocky and self-centered asshole and I can't believe that you still are so cocky. I would have hoped that being convicted and going to jail at the very least would bring you back down to the real world a little.
I don't understand why you think you have say in this baby's name. As far as I'm concerned the moment you told me you wanted the baby dead while at the same time you are giving me a black eye was the moment you gave up any rights to this child. I hate you for all the things you did and said. And now you say that if we can discuss the baby's middle name you'll let me give it the first name I want. You'll LET me? No no no, there is no discussion when it comes to this child. I have been alone since 10 weeks pregnant. Sure, I am the one that left you, but I really didn't have a choice because I love my child so much and there is no way I was going to stay around you and keep the baby in danger. I am also going to be raising this child alone so it's my say.
Yes, I know you want to be involved and that you want joint custody, but I don't feel like you have changed much and there is no way that I am going to let a violent man have joint custody of my child. I still have the fear that if you were alone with the child you would shake it out of anger when it won't stop crying or that when it's older you'll hurt it for something as simple as spilling it's drink. These are legitimate fears based on what you've done before.
You feel like you have done your time and served your punishment and that I should just let you do what you want. Two weeks in jail is nothing compared to going through pregnancy alone, knowing that I am going to raise this child alone. That's not even mentioning the issues you have left me with that I need to work through. I can't trust anyone. There is this guy who has been talking to me and he seems real nice, but I just can't trust anything he says because I am always thinking "What if he is trying to trick me, to pull me in? And then once he knows I'm into him he'll start showing his true self." It's sad. Yesterday this guy complements me and instead of being excited about it, I called the girl who introduced me crying and asking her if she's sure this guy is ok. She's keeps telling me he's a great guy, but I can't trust that because I know people who would say you are a good guy too.
You're so great with words and you can talk people into things really easily. That's why I'm not talking to you on the phone anymore, it is too hard because you are still trying to be in control. I am your EXwife, not your wife, so stop! I can't believe how selfish you are, how cocky you are and just that you think you have any rights. You have not said a true I'm sorry, though I am sure you could never say it enough to me.
You say that your number one priority is family. I guess you show that priority by beating your wife and saying that you want your child to die. You know what your number 1 priority is? Yourself. You are such a cocky and self-centered asshole and I can't believe that you still are so cocky. I would have hoped that being convicted and going to jail at the very least would bring you back down to the real world a little.
I don't understand why you think you have say in this baby's name. As far as I'm concerned the moment you told me you wanted the baby dead while at the same time you are giving me a black eye was the moment you gave up any rights to this child. I hate you for all the things you did and said. And now you say that if we can discuss the baby's middle name you'll let me give it the first name I want. You'll LET me? No no no, there is no discussion when it comes to this child. I have been alone since 10 weeks pregnant. Sure, I am the one that left you, but I really didn't have a choice because I love my child so much and there is no way I was going to stay around you and keep the baby in danger. I am also going to be raising this child alone so it's my say.
Yes, I know you want to be involved and that you want joint custody, but I don't feel like you have changed much and there is no way that I am going to let a violent man have joint custody of my child. I still have the fear that if you were alone with the child you would shake it out of anger when it won't stop crying or that when it's older you'll hurt it for something as simple as spilling it's drink. These are legitimate fears based on what you've done before.
You feel like you have done your time and served your punishment and that I should just let you do what you want. Two weeks in jail is nothing compared to going through pregnancy alone, knowing that I am going to raise this child alone. That's not even mentioning the issues you have left me with that I need to work through. I can't trust anyone. There is this guy who has been talking to me and he seems real nice, but I just can't trust anything he says because I am always thinking "What if he is trying to trick me, to pull me in? And then once he knows I'm into him he'll start showing his true self." It's sad. Yesterday this guy complements me and instead of being excited about it, I called the girl who introduced me crying and asking her if she's sure this guy is ok. She's keeps telling me he's a great guy, but I can't trust that because I know people who would say you are a good guy too.
You're so great with words and you can talk people into things really easily. That's why I'm not talking to you on the phone anymore, it is too hard because you are still trying to be in control. I am your EXwife, not your wife, so stop! I can't believe how selfish you are, how cocky you are and just that you think you have any rights. You have not said a true I'm sorry, though I am sure you could never say it enough to me.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Moving day
Today is moving day! Which means I'll finally have all my furniture. I have been living with Char for over a week but we had to wait until today to move the big stuff. We can't do it ourselves and so we have a couple guy friends helping us today. The more at home I can make it look here for me and the baby before the baby comes, the better.
Almost all the snow that came down Friday night is gone, it got me Saturday morning off work but I still had to go in for the afternoon. It was exciting to have so much snow here, I missed the snow and I miss Colorado!
Almost all the snow that came down Friday night is gone, it got me Saturday morning off work but I still had to go in for the afternoon. It was exciting to have so much snow here, I missed the snow and I miss Colorado!
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