10 solitary pleasures

10 solitary pleasures:
1. a bath
2. a good book
3. a nap on the couch
4. watching a favorite movie
5. going for a walk
6. painting my nails
7. cooking
8. daydreaming about somewhere I want to go or someone I want to see
9. singing in the car
10. getting a coffee while running errands

What I want to say to him

Isaiah,
You say that your number one priority is family. I guess you show that priority by beating your wife and saying that you want your child to die. You know what your number 1 priority is? Yourself. You are such a cocky and self-centered asshole and I can't believe that you still are so cocky. I would have hoped that being convicted and going to jail at the very least would bring you back down to the real world a little.

I don't understand why you think you have say in this baby's name. As far as I'm concerned the moment you told me you wanted the baby dead while at the same time you are giving me a black eye was the moment you gave up any rights to this child. I hate you for all the things you did and said. And now you say that if we can discuss the baby's middle name you'll let me give it the first name I want. You'll LET me? No no no, there is no discussion when it comes to this child. I have been alone since 10 weeks pregnant. Sure, I am the one that left you, but I really didn't have a choice because I love my child so much and there is no way I was going to stay around you and keep the baby in danger. I am also going to be raising this child alone so it's my say.

Yes, I know you want to be involved and that you want joint custody, but I don't feel like you have changed much and there is no way that I am going to let a violent man have joint custody of my child. I still have the fear that if you were alone with the child you would shake it out of anger when it won't stop crying or that when it's older you'll hurt it for something as simple as spilling it's drink. These are legitimate fears based on what you've done before.

You feel like you have done your time and served your punishment and that I should just let you do what you want. Two weeks in jail is nothing compared to going through pregnancy alone, knowing that I am going to raise this child alone. That's not even mentioning the issues you have left me with that I need to work through. I can't trust anyone. There is this guy who has been talking to me and he seems real nice, but I just can't trust anything he says because I am always thinking "What if he is trying to trick me, to pull me in? And then once he knows I'm into him he'll start showing his true self." It's sad. Yesterday this guy complements me and instead of being excited about it, I called the girl who introduced me crying and asking her if she's sure this guy is ok. She's keeps telling me he's a great guy, but I can't trust that because I know people who would say you are a good guy too.

You're so great with words and you can talk people into things really easily. That's why I'm not talking to you on the phone anymore, it is too hard because you are still trying to be in control. I am your EXwife, not your wife, so stop! I can't believe how selfish you are, how cocky you are and just that you think you have any rights. You have not said a true I'm sorry, though I am sure you could never say it enough to me.

Moving day

Today is moving day! Which means I'll finally have all my furniture. I have been living with Char for over a week but we had to wait until today to move the big stuff. We can't do it ourselves and so we have a couple guy friends helping us today. The more at home I can make it look here for me and the baby before the baby comes, the better.

Almost all the snow that came down Friday night is gone, it got me Saturday morning off work but I still had to go in for the afternoon. It was exciting to have so much snow here, I missed the snow and I miss Colorado!

Happy valentine's day

Today Char and I went out to lunch and then we went shopping. Char got some stuff for her friend, and I got a daddy book for Isaiah. He told me that he is nervous about the baby because he has never changed a diaper or anything even though he has been around a lot of children, it's different when it's your own. He asked me yesterday if there are any classes he should be taking and I told him a little about what I knew but I didn't take any parenting classes. I thought it might help his nerves a little to have a book that goes through the first year month by month and would be a good gesture so I got it for him.

I also got a baby swing! Setting it up at home and I am excited to have it set up because (this is flame-worthy considering I'm due so soon) it's the first baby furniture I have set up. I have baby clothes, socks, blankets, socks...things like that, but don't worry - I do have everything lined up even though I'm cutting it close!
crib - becky is giving me her daughter's crib since she is moving her to a big girl bed
car seat - I actually bought one off target.com, my mom was disappointed because she said she wanted to buy the carseat. well there was a problem with the mail and I never got the car seat so now my mom can buy one when she comes down next week
pack 'n play - gray and megan said they are going to give me Alanna's pack 'n play since they want to buy a new one for their next baby
All of these I'll get next week when they bring them for the baby shower (at 37 weeks 2 days!)
Also, Isaiah bought a moses basket for the baby

My single mom income is very thankful for hand-me-downs!

Tonight my roommate went out with a guy who I like (I know nothing would happen with him but I can't help having feelings for him). She went out with him while I stayed at home with my big pregnant belly... I wish that somebody was here to love me the way the rest of the women at this point in their pregnancy have. I wish I had someone here to be excited about the upcoming birth of the baby with me, to sit on the couch with me and just watch tv, to eat dinner with me, to laugh with, to sleep next to. I just wish that I wasn't going through this as a single woman, usually it doesn't get to me but tonight being alone is really getting to me.

Ok...enough of the pity party
On a good note, Isaiah called me today from the baby store asking me about what baby things I still don't have, he ended up buying bottles, bibs, a moses basket and some gdiapers. That was really great, I am glad that he is excited about his child and that he is actually involved enough that he wants to buy things for the baby. He was suprised at how many things there are needed for a baby and he said that workers kept asking him if he needed help because he looked so lost in that store.
For almost the entire pregnancy we haven't had any contact or communication so by this time I wasn't even really thinking about him with the baby anymore and was ready to raise my child without a father. Now that I know he wants to be involved I am so glad for my child. I know it's important for someone to have a relationship with their father. I was even thinking about the upcoming father's day and how I would like to make a card from LO to daddy and give him some pictures of LO also. I hope I am not getting my hopes up too high and that my child can have a good relationship with both parents.

Still...I wish I was going through this with someone who is my partner and lover instead of just my baby's father and ex.

Pilates

Ok...so I was going to write about my pilates workout I tried today, but as soon as I sat down to write I got a phone call from the mediator for my husband and I, I can not talk to him without getting frustrated. My (soon to be ex!) husband just got out of jail yesterday, I requested to change my mpo (military version of a restraining order) to say that he can't come near me but that we can be in contact over the phone and e-mail. I am not sure if husband knows this or not yet, but since he talked to the mediator today to have him call me I guess he doesn't know, otherwise he could have called me himself.

Well the guy's reception was really bad so I couldn't catch everything that he was saying but it seemed like he was telling me that now that Isaiah is out of jail he wants to know how I feel about everything and it seemed like the mediator was wanting to know if I want to meet up where the three of us can talk. Sorry buddy, but the time for talking and making up is way long past. I don't want to talk to Isaiah unless it is directly involving the baby (visitation and child support), our divorce or selling our house. I definatly do not want to sit down and talk about our feelings or try any type of mediation. I know that I shouldn't cut him out just because of my feelings if he wants to be involved with the baby because it wouldn't be fair to the baby but if it doesn't have to do with our divorce or the baby I just don't want to talk to Isaiah. He needs to learn that he can't talk me into doing anything and the best thing he could do is to move on and leave me alone and try to improve his life without me.

I am so frustrated, I really hope he doesn't think that he can talk me into getting back together or anything like that and I hope he realizes that he isn't really going to talk me into anything. He is a smooth talker but I am not going to go for anything he says because I flat out don't trust him and after waht he has done I am going to be the only person calling the shots when it comes to my baby and my life.

10 other lives

"If you had ten other lives to lead, what would you be doing?"

1. Foster mom
2. Chef at a nice restaurant
3. Cooking for a catering buisness
4. Going to school at UCCS
5. World traveler
6. Someone who owned a huge garden
7. Dog rescuer
8. Social worker
9. Dog walker
10. Model as I am right now (not a skinny model)

20 things

10 things I like about my body:
1. freckles
2. the way my hair sets after a shower if I don't do anything to it
3. the color of my hair
4. the curve of my waist and hips
5. my belly
6. my eyes
7. arms (mostly lower half)
8. boobs
9. my lips
10. my hands

10 things I like about my personality:
1. laid back
2. my humor
3. fast reader
4. thoughtful
5. gracious
6. good cook (mostly :p)
7. patient
8. organized
9. joyful
10. considerate

It was a lot easier for me to come up with the personality list than it was for my physical list.

House excercise

"You move into a completely empty house and start over from scratch - money is not a consideration. Write down twenty specifics for your ideal home from architectural feartures to furnishings that are "must haves" for you."


1. beautiful doors leading into the back


2. many windows


3. white curtains in the living room


4. a beautiful view of either the mountains or the ocean


5. white crib for baby


6. large comfortable bed


7. kitchen with lots of counter space


8. an island in the kitchen


9. large jacuzzi bathtub


10. two stories


11. two bedrooms


12. a seperate shower from the bathtub


13. wireless internet


14. a wii


15. many picture frames


16. fenced in backyard for a dog


17. my couch and coffee table


18. a dishwasher


19. washer and dryer


20. a wooden desk with drawers





"Next imagine that your closet and drawers are empty. You need to fill them. What are the first ten things you would either hang up or put away."


1. my white flats


2. my gray pj pants


3. a pair of jeans that look great on me


4. new tennis shoes


5. hoop earings


6. lipgloss


7. tank tops


8. a couple comfortable bras


9. eyeshadow


10. my white heart t-shirt





"Your kitchen cabinets are bare. You need to buy new china, flatware, glasses, and linens for everyday use and for entertaining. Where do you begin? What pattern do you want to see every day? What shape glass do you enjoy drinking from?





Everyday plates:

Everything else I would keep the same as what I have in my kitchen now, except get rid of some dishtowels and get some new ones.