1st post since Andrew was born

Andrew is 2 weeks old today but this is the first time I have posted since he was born! The L&D was tough and he was in the nicu when he was first born but we are both home now and doing good.

Some days (and nights) are better than others but considering I am doing all this by myself I think I am doing pretty good. Of course right now my biggest challenge is him being awake so much at night but I know that it will get easier with time. Luckily I can nap during the day as long as I am on my maternity leave.

I have been taking him for a walk almost every day. He usually sleeps through it but it is really good for me to get out of the house and go outside. He makes me laugh too with some of the faces he makes. He's adorable.

Wanna fall in love

My roommate and I are watching tv and two of the characters are falling for each other and had their first kiss. Aww it was so sweet and it really makes me want to feel that with someone. My roommate is finding it funny how mushy I am being but it is so sweet!

Reasons why I hate Isaiah

I almost called Isaiah just now to tell him how pissed I am at hom but I thought it might be better to write it out instead:

1. Instead of being able to compramise on anything, if I don't agree with anything he says he tells me I am going to hear from his lawyer - finally leading me to have to hire a lawyer even though it is going to cost so much money.
2. I hate hate hate him today for me having to hire a lawyer. It makes me cry that this money can't go towards my child or be saved up for the future. I absolutly hate his selfishness that he doesn't realize how hard I want to come to agreements so that I don't have to give mine and the baby's money to a lawyer. I hate that I have to worry about how I am going to pay for day care, groceries, bills ect because I have to pay for the lawyer too and I was already stretching it. I hate him.
3. I hate him for telling me he hopes I have a miscarriage while he was beating me.
4. I hate his cockiness. I wish he would just realize that he is not nearly as great as he thinks he is.
5. I hate that he thinks he has a right to be around this child any time he wants after the things he has done and said and knowing that he has anger issues.
6. I hate that he lies about me to make himself look better.
7. I hate that he left me with issues. I hate that I assume the worst in every man, that at times I activly avoid men while I am in public out of fear.
8. I hate that he is still around - I wish he would either start being reasonable or disappear.
9. I hate how good he is at swaying people. I hate that there are people who can't see through his bullshit.
10. I hate him for only going to jail for 10 days instead of the 3 months they were trying to get him for. I hate that he then had to tell me how easy and relaxing jail was - "like a vacation" - while those 10 days were just like any other day for me - full of mixed emotions, pain, fear and frustration.
11. I hate how he can track down my information. I hate that I don't feel safe
12. I hate his hypocrasy that he tells me family is the most important thing to him.
13. I hate that he told me a couple weeks ago that we should be open and honest with each other. Why the hell does he think he has the right to ask me to be open with him? Hell no, I am not going to tell him anything unless I have to. I hate that he was completly unhonest and closed when we were married.

HOLY HELL I HATE HIM SO MUCH I can't believe what a selfish asshole he is. I can't believe that he professes to care so much about his child and that he wants to have a good job so that he can "help me and the baby" I sure as fuck don't need or want his help. I am definatly better off without him, and sorry but he costs me more than he helps. I don't feel like child support is going to cover the cost of a lawyer. So he is actually making me lose money instead of helping me. He wants a good job for him and his ego. I hope he disappears, I would be so excited if he stopped being a part of my life. I know children need their fathers, but Isaiah threatened to kill this child and Isaiah has such anger issues that I have intense fears that if he is ever even for a minute alone for the child that he would hurt it. I am so scared that my baby won't stop crying, or will knock something over...anything that any child does, but that Isaiah will lose his temper and abuse my child. I hate Isaiah. He is a lier and completly selfish. Just because his sperm helped make this baby doesn't mean that he automatically gets to be a daddy to the baby. Yes, I will let him see this baby within reason but I sure as hell don't want him alone with my baby, especially when my child is too young to talk and can't tell me what happened.
Writing this out just makes me more angry. I wish that he would suffer some pain from this or that he would understand even for 10 minutes the pain he has caused. I hate how stupid he is. I hate the toll he has put on this pregnancy. I don't think I could write enough today how much I hate him so I am going to stop...

Deserve a good guy

I deserve a guy who is the whole package and I am willing to wait years for him.
But in the meantime I'll enjoy flirting until that right guy comes along. I don't want to settle.

The reason I say this is because I had been talking to a guy who seemed really sweet and who I enjoyed talking to but recently I can tell he is not putting in any effort. Right now he is in Colorado so we have been talking through text and on the phone, but the last couple days it seems like all his texts have been very short and I felt like I was the only one carrying any conversation, so yesterday I just decided not to text him back and he didn't text me back until this morning. He sent a sweet good morning text so I thought today would be different but it was the same thing so I didn't text him after a little while and haven't talked to him all day. I haven't really thought about it and even had a great conversation this afternoon with a guy I work with who I have always thought was great. I just don't want to put effort into anything if the guy isn't willing to put forth an effort also, and no matter how cool I think this guy is, I don't want to be foolish and I deserve someone who is excited to talk to me. Maybe there is a misunderstanding or he has been busy, I am not going to write him off completly just yet, but I am not going to be waiting on any texts from him either.

Weird thing is the last few days I have been feeling incredibly sexy. Reason that is weird is because I am 39 weeks pregnant. But I am going to go see a movie tomorrow with a friend and I am going to wear this dress that looks great on me (even pregnant!) and have a great time out. I'm on bedrest but it is not strict, I am just supposed to be sitting with my feet up most of the time so going to the movies will be fine.
I don't know what is causing this feeling but I am enjoying feeling flirty and sexy and hope that this feeling sticks around.

10 solitary pleasures

10 solitary pleasures:
1. a bath
2. a good book
3. a nap on the couch
4. watching a favorite movie
5. going for a walk
6. painting my nails
7. cooking
8. daydreaming about somewhere I want to go or someone I want to see
9. singing in the car
10. getting a coffee while running errands

What I want to say to him

Isaiah,
You say that your number one priority is family. I guess you show that priority by beating your wife and saying that you want your child to die. You know what your number 1 priority is? Yourself. You are such a cocky and self-centered asshole and I can't believe that you still are so cocky. I would have hoped that being convicted and going to jail at the very least would bring you back down to the real world a little.

I don't understand why you think you have say in this baby's name. As far as I'm concerned the moment you told me you wanted the baby dead while at the same time you are giving me a black eye was the moment you gave up any rights to this child. I hate you for all the things you did and said. And now you say that if we can discuss the baby's middle name you'll let me give it the first name I want. You'll LET me? No no no, there is no discussion when it comes to this child. I have been alone since 10 weeks pregnant. Sure, I am the one that left you, but I really didn't have a choice because I love my child so much and there is no way I was going to stay around you and keep the baby in danger. I am also going to be raising this child alone so it's my say.

Yes, I know you want to be involved and that you want joint custody, but I don't feel like you have changed much and there is no way that I am going to let a violent man have joint custody of my child. I still have the fear that if you were alone with the child you would shake it out of anger when it won't stop crying or that when it's older you'll hurt it for something as simple as spilling it's drink. These are legitimate fears based on what you've done before.

You feel like you have done your time and served your punishment and that I should just let you do what you want. Two weeks in jail is nothing compared to going through pregnancy alone, knowing that I am going to raise this child alone. That's not even mentioning the issues you have left me with that I need to work through. I can't trust anyone. There is this guy who has been talking to me and he seems real nice, but I just can't trust anything he says because I am always thinking "What if he is trying to trick me, to pull me in? And then once he knows I'm into him he'll start showing his true self." It's sad. Yesterday this guy complements me and instead of being excited about it, I called the girl who introduced me crying and asking her if she's sure this guy is ok. She's keeps telling me he's a great guy, but I can't trust that because I know people who would say you are a good guy too.

You're so great with words and you can talk people into things really easily. That's why I'm not talking to you on the phone anymore, it is too hard because you are still trying to be in control. I am your EXwife, not your wife, so stop! I can't believe how selfish you are, how cocky you are and just that you think you have any rights. You have not said a true I'm sorry, though I am sure you could never say it enough to me.

Moving day

Today is moving day! Which means I'll finally have all my furniture. I have been living with Char for over a week but we had to wait until today to move the big stuff. We can't do it ourselves and so we have a couple guy friends helping us today. The more at home I can make it look here for me and the baby before the baby comes, the better.

Almost all the snow that came down Friday night is gone, it got me Saturday morning off work but I still had to go in for the afternoon. It was exciting to have so much snow here, I missed the snow and I miss Colorado!

Happy valentine's day

Today Char and I went out to lunch and then we went shopping. Char got some stuff for her friend, and I got a daddy book for Isaiah. He told me that he is nervous about the baby because he has never changed a diaper or anything even though he has been around a lot of children, it's different when it's your own. He asked me yesterday if there are any classes he should be taking and I told him a little about what I knew but I didn't take any parenting classes. I thought it might help his nerves a little to have a book that goes through the first year month by month and would be a good gesture so I got it for him.

I also got a baby swing! Setting it up at home and I am excited to have it set up because (this is flame-worthy considering I'm due so soon) it's the first baby furniture I have set up. I have baby clothes, socks, blankets, socks...things like that, but don't worry - I do have everything lined up even though I'm cutting it close!
crib - becky is giving me her daughter's crib since she is moving her to a big girl bed
car seat - I actually bought one off target.com, my mom was disappointed because she said she wanted to buy the carseat. well there was a problem with the mail and I never got the car seat so now my mom can buy one when she comes down next week
pack 'n play - gray and megan said they are going to give me Alanna's pack 'n play since they want to buy a new one for their next baby
All of these I'll get next week when they bring them for the baby shower (at 37 weeks 2 days!)
Also, Isaiah bought a moses basket for the baby

My single mom income is very thankful for hand-me-downs!

Tonight my roommate went out with a guy who I like (I know nothing would happen with him but I can't help having feelings for him). She went out with him while I stayed at home with my big pregnant belly... I wish that somebody was here to love me the way the rest of the women at this point in their pregnancy have. I wish I had someone here to be excited about the upcoming birth of the baby with me, to sit on the couch with me and just watch tv, to eat dinner with me, to laugh with, to sleep next to. I just wish that I wasn't going through this as a single woman, usually it doesn't get to me but tonight being alone is really getting to me.

Ok...enough of the pity party
On a good note, Isaiah called me today from the baby store asking me about what baby things I still don't have, he ended up buying bottles, bibs, a moses basket and some gdiapers. That was really great, I am glad that he is excited about his child and that he is actually involved enough that he wants to buy things for the baby. He was suprised at how many things there are needed for a baby and he said that workers kept asking him if he needed help because he looked so lost in that store.
For almost the entire pregnancy we haven't had any contact or communication so by this time I wasn't even really thinking about him with the baby anymore and was ready to raise my child without a father. Now that I know he wants to be involved I am so glad for my child. I know it's important for someone to have a relationship with their father. I was even thinking about the upcoming father's day and how I would like to make a card from LO to daddy and give him some pictures of LO also. I hope I am not getting my hopes up too high and that my child can have a good relationship with both parents.

Still...I wish I was going through this with someone who is my partner and lover instead of just my baby's father and ex.

Pilates

Ok...so I was going to write about my pilates workout I tried today, but as soon as I sat down to write I got a phone call from the mediator for my husband and I, I can not talk to him without getting frustrated. My (soon to be ex!) husband just got out of jail yesterday, I requested to change my mpo (military version of a restraining order) to say that he can't come near me but that we can be in contact over the phone and e-mail. I am not sure if husband knows this or not yet, but since he talked to the mediator today to have him call me I guess he doesn't know, otherwise he could have called me himself.

Well the guy's reception was really bad so I couldn't catch everything that he was saying but it seemed like he was telling me that now that Isaiah is out of jail he wants to know how I feel about everything and it seemed like the mediator was wanting to know if I want to meet up where the three of us can talk. Sorry buddy, but the time for talking and making up is way long past. I don't want to talk to Isaiah unless it is directly involving the baby (visitation and child support), our divorce or selling our house. I definatly do not want to sit down and talk about our feelings or try any type of mediation. I know that I shouldn't cut him out just because of my feelings if he wants to be involved with the baby because it wouldn't be fair to the baby but if it doesn't have to do with our divorce or the baby I just don't want to talk to Isaiah. He needs to learn that he can't talk me into doing anything and the best thing he could do is to move on and leave me alone and try to improve his life without me.

I am so frustrated, I really hope he doesn't think that he can talk me into getting back together or anything like that and I hope he realizes that he isn't really going to talk me into anything. He is a smooth talker but I am not going to go for anything he says because I flat out don't trust him and after waht he has done I am going to be the only person calling the shots when it comes to my baby and my life.

10 other lives

"If you had ten other lives to lead, what would you be doing?"

1. Foster mom
2. Chef at a nice restaurant
3. Cooking for a catering buisness
4. Going to school at UCCS
5. World traveler
6. Someone who owned a huge garden
7. Dog rescuer
8. Social worker
9. Dog walker
10. Model as I am right now (not a skinny model)

20 things

10 things I like about my body:
1. freckles
2. the way my hair sets after a shower if I don't do anything to it
3. the color of my hair
4. the curve of my waist and hips
5. my belly
6. my eyes
7. arms (mostly lower half)
8. boobs
9. my lips
10. my hands

10 things I like about my personality:
1. laid back
2. my humor
3. fast reader
4. thoughtful
5. gracious
6. good cook (mostly :p)
7. patient
8. organized
9. joyful
10. considerate

It was a lot easier for me to come up with the personality list than it was for my physical list.

House excercise

"You move into a completely empty house and start over from scratch - money is not a consideration. Write down twenty specifics for your ideal home from architectural feartures to furnishings that are "must haves" for you."


1. beautiful doors leading into the back


2. many windows


3. white curtains in the living room


4. a beautiful view of either the mountains or the ocean


5. white crib for baby


6. large comfortable bed


7. kitchen with lots of counter space


8. an island in the kitchen


9. large jacuzzi bathtub


10. two stories


11. two bedrooms


12. a seperate shower from the bathtub


13. wireless internet


14. a wii


15. many picture frames


16. fenced in backyard for a dog


17. my couch and coffee table


18. a dishwasher


19. washer and dryer


20. a wooden desk with drawers





"Next imagine that your closet and drawers are empty. You need to fill them. What are the first ten things you would either hang up or put away."


1. my white flats


2. my gray pj pants


3. a pair of jeans that look great on me


4. new tennis shoes


5. hoop earings


6. lipgloss


7. tank tops


8. a couple comfortable bras


9. eyeshadow


10. my white heart t-shirt





"Your kitchen cabinets are bare. You need to buy new china, flatware, glasses, and linens for everyday use and for entertaining. Where do you begin? What pattern do you want to see every day? What shape glass do you enjoy drinking from?





Everyday plates:

Everything else I would keep the same as what I have in my kitchen now, except get rid of some dishtowels and get some new ones.

10 nice things...

"Make a list of 10 nice things you could do for yourself"

1. Read a book outside
2. Play with a dog
3. Take a nap
4. Watch a funny movie
5. Go swimming
6. Do my hair in a different style
7. Make blueberry pancakes
8. Make something crafty for my home
9. Call someone who always lifts my spirits
10. Take a beautiful picture of myself

"Now select one and do it"

I'm going to go with read a book outside because the sun is out and I love that my apartment complex has picnic benches outside, I wish I went out to them more often so I am going to take this opportunity to do it.

Sweet offer

My friend C, who is also throwing me my baby shower, offered this week to have me move in with her. I have been thinking about it this week and I think I'm going to go for it. There are plenty of benifits to moving in with her, and the only con I could think of is her dog around the baby. But I talked it over today with another friend of ours and he pointed out to me that the dog won't really be that big of a deal. So next time I talk to her I'm going to let her know that I am interested in moving in. She is leaving in a few months and then I'll probably just take over her apartment once she leaves. She is the same person I stayed with when I first left Isaiah so I am comfortable there. I have gotten so used to living on my own and I like it, but it will be nice to have her there for a few months and to live in a better place.

Back from Florida

I got back from Florida last night and am very happy to be home. I had to go to Isaiah's court martial and I really didn't like it. I hope I don't have to ever testify in court ever again...

The baby has been moving around like crazy! It is fun to see all the baby's parts going around and feeling all the movements. My cousin sent me some stuff from South America including a little hat for the baby.

That's a picture of the baby's hat next to one of mine, I think it is so cute. I bought birthday presents for my dad and brother today, I am excited for them to get their gifts but am still trying to figure out what to get for my mom. All their birthdays are in the same month.

I signed up for my technology test today, it is the last test I need to take before I get my AA degree, and also the one that is hardest for me so I'm really going to have to study because if I can pass it next week that will be great! Then I'll have my AA before my baby is born. Once I get my AA I want to start doing online courses.

Dear LO,

I promise to be the best mom I can be. I can't promise you that I'll feel good every day but I will do everything I can to make sure that when you are grown up and look back on your childhood you have happy memories. I promise to set boundries and rules for you so that you'll grow to learn to do the right thing. I promise to have fun with you, I promise to be goofy with you and to laugh a lot! I promise to encourage your dreams no matter what they are. I promise to answer your questions, even the tough ones. I love you so much. Right now you are moving around inside me, I love that feeling but I can't wait to hold you for the first time. I can't wait to bring you home and start our life together. I want you to be proud of your mom so I will do my best to be the kind of woman that you can grow up to be proud of. I love you.
Love,
Your momma

Moody

This morning I took a test for work and I think I did alright. Then I had my gestational diabetes test, the drink they gave me was pretty gross but it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. I don't know when I'll get my results.
I had to hire a lawyer finally which was very tough on me but it needed to be done so I did it. I am still disappointed, I was so upset that the money I wanted to have set aside for my darling child has to be used to pay for a lawyer.
I am going to get maternity photos done and I am excited about that. I think it will be really fun and it will be so nice to have those pictures. The baby has been moving a lot which I love! I wish other people could feel it move or see it move but the baby rarely seems to cooperate when other people are watching... at least I get to experience it!

The beginning...

Today I am 30 weeks pregnant. I have been thinking about doing a blog for a while, but finally decided to go for it. The main reason I am doing it is to get to track the rest of my pregnancy and my child's life.

So, here is a little background on me...
I got married in May '09, got pregnant in July and left my husband at the end of Aug because he was abusive and I was scared for my child. I am not glad about how my marriage turned out or that I am in this situation but it's where I'm at and I can't do anything to change it. All in all, I am so grateful for my child because it probably would have taken me a lot longer to get up the courage to leave if I hadn't gotten pregnant.

So, now I have only a couple months left until my baby will be full term and I am very excited. I am slowly collecting all the things I need for the baby and I know that I am going to be a good mom.

Today I had some friends over for dinner. I made pulled pork, rolls and frozen strawberry dessert and I am really glad with how it all turned out because all the food was good and it was really nice to have friends over here.

Also I got a package from my cousin, a late Christmas present, and it was wonderful! A really sweet card and she also gave me a journal, a scarf from Ecudor and an adorable hat for my baby from Peru. It was such a nice suprise to get that package.